Ergh, part II

I was going to post this photo with a neat little idea and story attached to it.
I seem to have accidentally erased all the photos on the camera. Effin' A.
It wasn't really authentic anyway, at this moment my thoughts are far away. Jealously comparing myself to another blog I just read. The writer is just really good, REALLY good, she nails it with every post. I wish I could write like that.
The only way I can really do it is just blurt out something really quickly and disengage from the computer pronto. If I tried to make it perfect-er I'd never write anything, ever. And that is an option, and maybe it's the right one. But plunging blindly ahead is kind of working for me, strangely enough. These past few years I've just been trying out stuff, trying to not feel too keenly the shame and embarassment that comes from failing in front of folks, or not operating at quite the level where I wish I was. And some stuff works out, and some stuff doesn't. I get myself into scrapes, I get myself into pickles. But more stuff happens, I meet more people, and I have more fun. So next time you find yourself wondering why I didn't hold off on this blog for a few years until I polished up my grammar skills, you'll know why. Here I am, flailing around in plain view for all to see. Ergh indeed. And yippee.
And as far as comparing myself to other folks who do great work in one area or another, I'd really love to learn how to just enjoy their contribution to the world and not (oh so very self-centeredly) have it cause me to go into a very old habit of despising myself. This quote from Joan Borysenko's Fire in the Soul which I just read sums it all up nicely and was quite a revelation for me when I read it a few weeks ago. This is a big idea for me and one I plan to have fully digested by the end of 2010. Right-o.

"On the one hand, each of us is unique, an individual who has not yet existed previously, clearly different from all other persons. On the other, however, clearly different does not mean better, more beautiful, ahead of the competition, but rather simply other, unique, "just as I am", clearly differentiated from every other. Precisely when this uniqueness is not combined with haughtiness and pride, community is possible both with other persons and with the newness developing out of one's own soul. But if we base our uniqueness on the devaluation of other persons, we are taking an isolating attitude that destroys community. I am placing myself apart from the community with people because I reject being like them and instead always want to be better and more beautiful. This isolation leads to loneliness, then to anxiety, and finally to the ever greater need to be better and more outstanding. This is a vicious circle that leads to the collapse of healthy, natural community." Theodor Seifert

Tea!!!

I'm so excited. I had a kind of Eureka moment a few days ago and I've been dying to take action.

I have been a die hard coffee drinker for years and years and years. Started realizing sometime last summer that I was sick of being on the coffee rollercoaster, you know, that rollercoaster that plummets in the afternoon into a pit of malcontent. Coffee makes me scream-y at my children-y and I also discovered that I could drink caffeinated tea instead my energy would ebb and flow a lot smoother... the tea pony ride rather than the coffee rollercoaster. And I discovered Zhi Tea which is in my 'hood and I quickly became addicted to the finest tea has to offer because that Zhi Tea is fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine. I thought this all evened out at first because I took my coffee very seriously and spent many bucks each month on Ruta Maya coffee beans and organic half and half. Suddenly I'm not shelling out those shekels so I have some $$ to burn at Zhi tea. And if I can't afford the Zhi tea I can just buy a lower grade tea when the coffers are low, right? Well, no, not exactly, because as it turns out that once you're hooked to the good stuff there's just no going back. So suddenly I'm burning through premium tea at an alarming rate... yes my moods are more mellow but the coffers, they're empty. What to do?

I'm not really a purist either and rather than just singing the praises of an oolong or an assam I like some other interesting flavors in there and then some black or green leaves for a little kick of caffeine. My most beloved flavor which I can drink by the barrelful is Cacao Chai... chai with delicious cacao nibs etc.... really pretty much orgasmic. But I also kind of desire something else which I am always searching for... something with kind of a red berry with citrus notes thrown in with the black tea somewhere... I haven't been able to find the right combo, anywhere. I know it might seem painfully obvious but I finally just realized I could make it my own self! That and so much more! I've been dying to get over to Central Market and I finally had a baby-free morning on which to peruse the various and sundry dried herbs and such. I procured dried cherries, hibiscus, (fresh) ginger, dried goji berries, cacao nibs, peppermint, pink rose buds, dried cranberries, lemongrass, pink peppercorns, dried pomegranate seeds, cardamom, and rosehips. Oh and a big bag of green tea and a big bag of black tea. I'm so excited to play around with this! I just made myself some tea with black tea, pink peppercorn, goji berries and rosehips. I can't say it was exactly a winner but I'm willing to press on til I find that masterful combination that I just know is out there. Excited to try a green tea with perhaps peppermint, lemongrass, and ginger... and a chai of course... can't say I exactly saved money at this point but hopefully at some point it will all even out... oh the price I pay to stay caffeinated.

My dirty little secret...

...is that though I teach these art classes for children, my own children absolutely hate art (I'm sure hate is a strong word, but they are positively not fans). And according to the book Young at Art, on which I base my art class for toddlers, this is simply not supposed to happen, or, I should say, it's simply not mentioned because if you present your child with all these great art experiences it will most definitely not happen, but here I was dead set on having artistic young children and they would more often than not tear up the paper, dump out the paint, dance on the table, and run away. OK, truthfully, that was mainly Jack. Bruno painted happily for a few years there until suddenly he became an utterly pugnacious three year old and started to turn his nose up at it all, too. Ah, parenting, always so full of surprises. I was a devoted artiste and maker of things when I was a little kid. I'm sure I probably sat happily absorbed cutting and gluing and drawing away for as long as they'd let me. I was my own dream child. I was SO looking forward to doing this with my children. It's actually kind of heart wrenching. Sometimes I meet a kid (er, you know I want to say 'a little girl' but I'm trying so hard not to) who just has the crafty glimmer in her eyes. She/He's got an attention span the size of this great state of Texas and is just champing at the bit to get happily absorbed in some wonderful big art project. When I meet that kid I have to admit my heart does a little 360 in my chest. I thought I would have a kid like that, I wanted to marvel over their hilarious and beautiful pictures and books they would make me, and paper dolls and comic books... but no. No no no no no. I have these little boys who don't want to do any of that... they just have to immediately climb everything in sight, touch everything in sight and take it apart or drop it or throw it, or kick it, crawl behind couches and open drawers and go behind counters where you're not supposed to go at stores and just push every boundary in sight because they're really just explorers and ultra curious but oy it's hard to appreciate sometimes. But appreciate it I do, and I know I wouldn't have appreciated it or understood if I'd have had a quiet artistic little soul first off. I'd have been the one looking at the parents with the rowdy boys wondering what kind of awful parenting they'd been doing to have turned out such ruffians. I've learned so much from having these awesome energetic little men and appreciate so much, at least sometimes, their own unique attributes instead of dwelling overly on the proclivities I hold most dear.

And so, of course, what do the unpredictable little fellas do once I've accepted them for who they are and given up my fantasy of kid poetry and murals and fish prints? They make me some awesome art, of course. I found a fresh set of those wonderful scented markers at a thrift store this week... I had them as a kid, maybe some of you all did too? Purple smells like grapes, red smells like cherries, you get the picture... I loved those markers so much when I was a kid and everything about them was a flashback, the packaging, the wonderfully artificial smells that I found SO heavenly... anyway, I gave them to my kids and by gum if they didn't make me some real art! I was so excited I had to restrain myself from making TOO much of a fuss, just play it cool, don't want them to be on to me that I want this behavior to continue or you know how it goes. Jack's picture started out with some fruit hanging from a branch and some birds flying past. He kicked it up a notch and added a shark and a tidal wave. One bird is crying out, "Shark!" The next is crying out, "Tidal wave!" And the last is screaming in fear, "Fruit!" Bruno's is a rainbow, which he was excited about, but it was really the picture on the back that I liked so much more... he said it was the Tomten's footprints.

So now maybe those two will throw me a bone occasionally and make their poor mama a drawing every now and then... and of course I have my dear little daughter growing up at the back of the pack... and I do have my fingers crossed for that one, I do I do... she really does love to draw, she LOVES to paint... I'm SO glad I've learned all that I've learned, but please, just one little crafty child, universe? That's not too much to ask, is it? Pretty please? We'll make you a tie-dyed bandana...

Oy my aching boobies...

I had mastitis starting yesterday. I've been working on weaning my littlest (she's only 19 months but I'm feeling quite emphatically DONE after nursing pretty much straight for the last 6 plus years... except for a few relaxing 6 month stretches of not nursing but being pregnant, instead) and I think somewhere in these last few weeks of trying to majorly decrease the demand of the ol' milk supply my boobies got confused about how much milk was actually needed, resulting in awful soreness and flu-like symptoms and total weariness. It was actually a pretty great experience because Matt was home from work and I really got to take my bed and actually really really really REST. It was a dream come true. I think mastitis is a message from your body that you've been over nurturing others and under nurturing yourself... at least I read that somewhere, once, and it sounds good. But it just royally sucks when you're a mama of really little kids and you just CAN'T. I would love to figure out a solution for this problem. The other two times I have had mastitis I went into such a total tizzy. It was very interesting. I am very lucky to be hale and hearty almost all of the time, and I have a lot of preventive stuff that I do and also little home-cures that I do when I feel the familiar onset of cold or flu, that almost always knocks it out... so I am very fortunate to feel kind of empowered about my health. But the times when I got mastitis I definitely had a huge feeling of powerlessness. I didn't know how to treat it on my own, and as I said I (though I may not have known it at the time) was probably overnurturing and felt like who in the world was going to nurture ME, or, forget the nurturing, just fracking let me and my poor boobies take a nap. I ended up pulling some strings and managing to get myself an acupuncture appointment with Genevieve Sprinkle, and I totally burst into tears on the table. She's such a smart strong caring woman... just makes you feel like she's the big mama who knows just what to do. Which really helps when you're feeling like a scared sad vulnerable little two year old.

I would love for there to be some kind of support set up for moms... moms who just never or hardly ever get sick days. A sick day where you could just stay in bed, or could get a chance to go to a doctor or acupuncturist or whatever without wrangling a toddler... or even just a sick day that you could call in because you just knew you needed some extra rest. I know so very many of us are chronically tired (which is a sad enough state as it is) but sometimes you are just really dragging and I think sometimes if we can recognize this rather than trying to power through we can actually sidestep illness. Like your body is saying, "Hey, slow down, I'm tired here" but then you ignore it so it says, "OK, we really need to just stop" and gets sick. I really think we should all be able to take to our beds once in awhile and have it be totally acceptable. It's utterly silly that we think this is pure decadent shameful laziness, especially when so many of us do so much so much of the time.

So anyway, about the support... I would love for their to be some support set up for moms. I don't know quite what it would be or what it would look like... but moms of all people really do need time to rest and recuperate and be well. And what a fine example we'd be setting for the next generation.

And by the way, I'm proud to say that I licked mastitis on my own this time (ew did I just say licked? That can't be right.) I woke up around 3 am last night sick as can be. I googled (oh the google!) home remedies for mastitis and discovered that a few different sources advised chopping 3-4 cloves of garlic into small bits and swallowing them whole with water, like little pills. 3-4 (preferably 5-6) per day. I took 3-4 right then and there (how brilliant to find a nice home remedy that you can take right away at 3 in the morning, and not have to wait to go buy a tincture or mysterious herb later in the day) and when I woke up I downed a few more. By mid morning I found myself miraculously cured. Hooray! Now to thoroughly wean... ergh. Not easy with such a milk-lovin', opinionated, sassy little lady. Though I think with all the extra rest we've had this week me and my boobies are up to the task.

More pop ups

Progress on the dollhouse creeps along...

I'm still dead set on making my marvelous modern dollhouse a reality, but it is moving at a snail's pace, a bit. You'd think it'd be fully furnished by now, wouldn't you. It's just difficult because, as many of you mamas out there (or other people pinched for time and space) well know, by the time you get all your stuff out and set up to work you've got about fifteen minutes before you have to put everything away again. Yesterday I was in pure paradise when I found myself with time on my hands and I got the dollhouse out, got out various power tools and had to search around for the proper drill bit and find a long enough extension cord.... I finally made one cut and what do you suppose but the mister pulled up in the drive with the children in tow. Oh woe. But seriously, it wasn't that bad because I really was able to finally make the bunk bed that I'd been scheming on. Oh and I realize now I probably haven't featured the amazing concrete countertop that my friend Eric Billig made for me... I guess I just raved about it on Facebook. Do you see the teeny tiny faucet (a bent nail) and sink? And the tiny little cabinet pulls? This picture does not do it justice, at all. I feel so incredibly honored that this dude with the Super Skills and Amazingly Creative Super Powers shared some of them with me... the guy is funny, he is nice, he's an Awesome Papa.... and if you have any shekels to spare, go buy some of his furniture, it's unbelievable.

Only problem is it's a bit much to live up to... Chez Wilt has looked so ultra modern with it's sleek countertop and not much else... I think I just have to be OK with the fact that it's all downhill from the countertop but since I'm really just in it for the experience I guess that doesn't matter at all! So if I share with you that my dollhouse is looking progressively dorkier but I'm having a ball, then you'll know I'm on the right track.

Bla, bla, bla

I feel like I'm letting this blog go to the dogs and I'm just attempting to write anything... just anything... as it seems that the longer I let go between posts the harder it is to get back on that old blogging horse. But what to write about? No tidy topics spring to mind, once again it seems there's just the messy gobbledygook of life. I've been considering admitting that the holidays sucked a little bit which I think is kind of out of the norm for This Kind of Blog. Seems like if you're a mama crafty blog you should be full of warm glow-y photos a la Soulemama and delightful handmade gifts but this year it just didn't unfold according to the template. I guess it just was that the kids were just kind of fight-y and challenging to be with for about 3/4 of December so I ended up feeling just ground down to a nub and generally irate that we didn't match up to the template but also kind of realizing that this kind of thinking does absolutely no one any good... so I tried to just kind of roll with it and not worry too much about the fact that we weren't doing much holidays-y and that my posting on this blog was mighty sparse especially as compared to last year, and as far as keeping up with old Soulemama I've fallen farther behind than ever. I decided that rather than fret that Christmas was not Christmassy enough, and that this blog was not ChristmasCraftyMamaBloggy enough, to just let go and let all those expectations go all to heck... just breathe and meditate and accept my kids as they are even when that's mighty hard to do... connect with friends, let some silence in, walk in nature and fill my lungs with fresh air.... bit my tongue even when they'd be being so gosh darn rascally and I really really REALLY found myself wanting to bellow something about Santa and coal in stockings.... read my good spirtual-y books that help me get inspired, help me get centered.... all that jazz. It all helps and Christmas loomed and then crested and afterwards it seemed like after a hellish first week of winter break we all settled into each other and we started having fun again. The big boys were playing non stop with minimal shrieking and hurting. They went to a sleepover and when they came back the reunion between Bruno and Henny was truly heart melting. Henny with a huge delighted smile wanting to pat Bruno's face and Bruno repeating rapturously over and over, "I missed you little Honey, I missed you little Honey...." So as it ended up we may have had less of the Kodak moments this season but it all came out in the wash and we had lots of goodness, lots of sweetness, lots of good memories... just more of the same, the ebbs and flows of family life, and just because it's Christmas doesn't make that go away, in fact I think they're probably more pronounced... it's like what I sometimes say, that having kids doesn't exactly make you happier per se... you have higher highs and but oh some very low lows.... it's just the zigzaggy ride that we signed up for.

So there you have it... my little spiel. I managed to write something after all. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog rolling along.... we'll just have to see, shan't we? AHhhhHHHhhh so very glad this lovely fresh new year is here... doesn't it feel so good, so refreshing? It's gonna be a good one.