Monday, September 7, 2009

A book for my Ma

I've been feeling all extra super lovey-dovey towards my Mom so yesterday when I was feeling very book-makey I decided to make her this tiny little tome about how much I appreciate her. It feels absolutely amazing to feel this way... like a giant monkey has just leaped off my back (and is now scampering up the side of the Empire State Building). I've been mad and upset with my Mom a fair bit for the last twenty years at least, and about two years ago I decided that making peace with this lady that borne me might just be key to some major release.

My mom did NOT get along with her mom, and her mom's mom died when she was a kid (and she was raised by Mama Biggie, a well-meaning childless auntie who wasn't exactly warm and cuddly) SO I set a major intention to heal this legacy of mothers and daughters not getting the chance to have a loving and close relationship. Because I feel like I couldn't bear it if my little girl and I aren't close as close can be our whole lives long.
For such a long time there I've felt like I was stumbling around in the dark with this little project of mine... I thought I would be able to find some great book that would lead the way but I never found anything that was quite right for me... I tried to start a woman's group about working on your relationship with your mother but that never got off the ground either... but here I am 2 years later and I suddenly find that when I think of my Mom I feel nothing but a huge amount of warmth and cuddly gratitude .

I wish I could tell you exactly how I did it... but I'm not really sure. It reminds me of weaning... whenever you start some really hard project.. and it just seems inconceivable you'll ever achieve the desired result. I just kept chipping away at it and like every time those mean and mad feelings started swarming me... I just tried to breathe through them and remind myself that she's just doing the absolutely best she knows how... probably with the very best of intentions...

Of course I actually went home to see her this summer and saw red daily, it's amazing how lightning fast one can get triggered even with the most lily-white and earnest of intentions... family stuff is intense... but still things were a million times better than they have been in the past, when we have often on a much-anticipated visit had to stop speaking to each other half way through because we were so annoyed and angry with each other. This ain't no way to be with a mom who's really as sweet and caring as mine. I'm so glad we're on the road to recovery, because I want the love I want the love I want the love! For me, for Henny, for my Mom, for all the moms and daughters out there who are having trouble seeing each others' essential goodness... the amount of energy that will be released when that war is over will cause quite a ripple. Might even heal the rip in the ol' ozone layer...

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